This is our first story by the wonderful A.Bhavana dealing with issues of abandonment and it’s implications on the lives of those involved. It is also a story of feeling misunderstood and unaccepted by those around us. I think a lot of us feel this way at one point in time; I know I have. It is in the telling of our stories (like this one) where we see that we are not so alone in our struggles and we can begin to question why we struggle in the first place.
Some questions that came up for me were: how does fear of abandonment show up in my life and what are the implication of this? How can I allow myself to fully accept who I am? How can I allow others to fully express who they are without my judgement? How does this abandonment of self subscribe to oppression within our society?
As always I would love to hear your thoughts about this piece and my questions above! Feel free to message me or comment below:). Thanks again A. Bhavana for sharing your work with us. Here is a little bit about her piece:
“The children being oppressed in the name of following tradition and customs. Please let children be children. this is process of thinking aloud with the experiences witnessed.”
“The motivation behind the project is the pain , abandonment children have to undergo in the name of carrying on family tradition. A home to made a better and safer place to children so that they will become caring and compassionate parents.”
Abandonment and protection
Abandonment a large spectrum not a complicated. Leaving home for school, work, choosing a
carrier over friends, choosing the idea of self; what is good for my body, mind and soul may
be called abandonment. I would call it, self-respect uniting with the self. The question here
now is can abandonment be used as protection.
Abandonment as protection it is a thought that the child would have to learn to stand up on
his/her own. The fact that no one told her what is the path or the course she needs to take but
yes she has a strong sense of self direction to lead the way. The very thought that ‘Chukles’ as
she is nicknamed is beginning her journey to become a strong warrior. Chukles - Belle always
finds herself in the middle of drama and controversies. She used only two methods which no
one taught but was considered outrageous in the Asian society. The larger belief is that we
cannot question our elders. We must obey whatever is told to us but Belle was of the opinion
that this legacy was the very crux that led to emotional and social abuse in society. She was
pronounced rebel. Yet, some would vehemently raise the fact that Belle was the bringer of
change and equality in a sense. She supported what is right and never went by the age or
position of the person in question.
Belle supported other children who were being reduced to dust by bias, misconceptions, and
gossip. She believed in facts. She felt the constant compulsive need to prove herself since she
had no support coming in from any direction. Belle being abandoned in many ways; no support,
no appreciation, encouragement, no monetary support as she worked in the neighbours’ homes
for receiving the next meal. The mundane house chores become her source of feeding herself
and in constant search of employment. Each moment she spends in constant evaluation of
her actions and inactions.
Belle has a family with parents and she is the only child. Being the only child but constant
devaluation and never even supported by saying it is going to be alright; rough times will pass
the sun will shine again. Ironically, Belle lived in the unforgiving hope that someday her father
would recognise her hard work, and efforts someday! One day would come where he would
call for Belle and say “yes my daughter well done” or even just tell her daughter “I love you my
child.” That is her only dream which she cringed as she is growing up. This very dream is her
inner motivation which kept her going; it made her stronger. She could help others, show the
light bring facts to the table all of this was in order to make her father just look at her once and
that once would mean that her belief that love lives in the heart is true.
Belle was a fool as her father always believed, but in the process she discovered her strength
and shared her compassion with each person who came across in her life. She started filling her
sense of being abandoned with the joy of giving she enrolled in old age/ elders home as a
volunteer. The nature of her job was to talk to them tell/bring them the awareness of the world
as it is now. Show them prescribed programme or just walk through their beautiful garden. The
elder’s home was a semi government and large organisations which had branches throughout
the country. Belle continued schooling, by now she is a young lady(teenager). Girl’s of her age
were busy grooming and slimming down. Belle’s passion to work towards the community she
is living in her active and radiant to the envy of her peers.
Belle went on pursue her education by applying to college and then to university. She had good grades at
school which earned a fellowship at one of the prestigious women’s college in the city. Post which Belle went
on to pursue her master’s and the research. Belle’s mother was educated and working as a part time teacher.
Her remuneration was consumed in household expenses like power bills, water works, house rent, and food
grains as the father said his salary is for him and not to waste it on the family. Truly the mother ran the family.
Belle was aware of the financial condition of the household and she took on everything in her stride. Father would come home and say to Belle “you do not contribute so you do not get to eat here”. He would push her out of the house and close the door.
Each step she took was again without support of her colleges or family. Positive attitude is her best friend for 23 years now but an ounce of doubt began making its home in her heart, she was sad but not heartbroken. A depth in eyes and shine in smile subtly speaks about her sadness. Belle always believed that
we must stand up for herself rather than play the victim. According to her playing the victim only brings tears
to the cheek but does not allow us to face our fears and move forward in the right direction. Belle did cry
when standing up for herself. She said standing up does not mean not crying but the ability to process and heal the emotions one experiences. She made an attempt to channel her emotions to get direction in her life
which her environment could not comprehend. Belle was made fun of, trolled, and called a witch to be burnt,
bad woman. Some people would say she is a reformer in disguise who is here to change the perceptions in
society and be a voice for children and women. These were only opinions, but what Belle felt inside her mind
strongly is that no one really understands how profound is her sense of abandonment. The situation is both
difficult to deal with as well as challenging; she has the courage move above it and look at life from the outside.
Belle was tired of the long journey of struggles, finally deciding that she needs to belong. The
decision of having one’s own family. She married a person who she knew from her masters who
also had a helping tendency. Belle hoped beyond hope that her father would come at least to
grace her with his presence for once in her life. She longed for his presence in her life but is
faced with the same abandonment again. The newly wedded groom could not comprehend Belle’s
emotions but the coming years in their life to provide him with clarity. Her first born was held
and cared by her husband though the baby resembled her father a lot. She would gaze outside
the hospital door but her father never even enquired about her she knew her journey of
abandonment continued and life must go on.
At this point in time Belle felt the idea given to her that abandonment is protection is absolutely
false. The notion was planted in her mind by her father to actually abandon her, wherein Belle
would carry the burden of feeling incompetent for her father did. Belle is full of though and
her mobile phone chimes, there is a text message; it is her father asking her whether or not now
Belle understands the meaning of abandonment. Now Belle is a mother to a beautiful baby boy
and urged her to carry on the tradition of abandonment and protection. Belle is in shock and
surprised as all her life she felt alone, a sense of being unwanted and here through a text
message she is been asked to carry it on by abandoning her baby boy. Belle texted a reply to
her father in way making her point of view clear to him she is never going to abandon her child
in the name of protection. Belle considered that letting her boy go amounts to allowing society
hunt him down and crush his aspirations. It is a form of abuse not protection in any form.
Doing one’s chores is a necessity but being left to fend for one’s self as toddler having a family
is a surmountable struggle. The casting out followed by never being appreciated or even
accepted is in itself a form of emotional abuse. This is not an opinion Belle embraced through
schooling but through her life experiences.
